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it's wrong wrong wrong but we'll do it anyway cos we love abit of trouble
' You wanna piece of me, well im not selling she'
I am
Affectionate, Erratic, eccentric, Happy, a former jazz hand child who then became a bookish shy person, extroverted, quiet, composed, calm, charlatan, borrower from literature and theatre and stand up, funny, hardworking , passionate, fangirly, a huge comedy fan.

My ears appreciate:
The Beatles, The Libertines, Blur, Two Door Cinema Club, Pachelbel's, Johnny Cash, The Smiths, The Clash, Miles Kane, Adele, Green Day, Nouvelle Vague, Jose Gonzalez, Mumford and Sons, My Chemical Romance, Paramore,
I'm quite fond of:
Busy weeks, Seeing my best friends, watching films in bed, cuddles with my best friends, laughing and back and forth banter, The National Theatre, Mark Gatiss’ books, The League Of Gentlemen, The Bush Theatre, Baz, Andy, Donny, Holly, Rashida, Becks, duvet days, Capital letters, new dresses, new moleskins, new coats, Devon, swimming in a freezing cold sea, A E Housman, Yellowing Books, The History Boys, polka dots, stripes, new lingerie,

I often crave: Dark chocolate with orange and ginger, hummus and falafel wraps from Eat, chocolate cake, Chai tea with two sugars, earl grey with lavender, white bread and my grandmother’s strawberry jam, Fish fingers sarnies, chips with lots of salt and vinegar, Stilton and butter with crackers, chocolate soya milk, ribena, Ice cold coke, Roast dinners, parsnips with parmesan and chilli flakes, Bacon in pitta, croquet monsieur and a cold beer, Garlicky pesto chicken in a Ciabata, red wine and pizza in bed, spaghetti Bolognese and lots of cheese, peas and mayo and ketchup.

I'm inspired by:
Monty Python, Beyond The Fringe, Cook and Moore, Barney Munroe and Nicola Kennedy, James Graham plays, Sam Barnett, The League of Gentlemen, Mark Gatiss, The Goodies, Fringe Theatre, The Beatles, 1920s to 1950s, Promo photos, Lily Allen, Adele, Miles Kane, Black and white photography, A Bit of Fry and Laurie, P. G Wodehouse, Surreal, Slapstick and Satirical comedy, The Libertines, Blur, Simon Annand’s Photography, The National, The Bush, The Finborough, National Trust Gardens, Holmes and Watson, Double Acts, Daniel Rigby and Bryan Dick in Eric and Ernie, Danny Kaye, The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty, 50s make up, Marilyn Monroe, Some Like It Hot, Alan Bennett, The History Boys, Sherlock, Stephen Fry, Archaic Stone Cloisters, Yellowing Books, Neverwhere, The Whisky Taster, Mycroft Holmes, Noel and Julian, The friendships within The League of Gentlemen, Hang Me Out To Dry video by The Cold War Kids, Moulin Rouge, T Rex, Alison Goldfrapp,

I'm terrible for

Singing and dancing in my sleep, going days and days without talking if I so wish, leaving tea bags in my tea and drinking the remaining tea out of the tea bag, falling asleep with a book in my hand or a pen, or the stilettos I was wearing that night, buying far too much lingerie, flirting with my best friends, being either so shy or a complete show off, avoiding uni work or my nursery reports, worrying about silly bullshit, being a secret romantic.

I'm known for

being hard working, difficult, a bit maniac, erratic, odd, funny when I want, gregarious, quiet, introspective, shy, silly, self deprecating, patient at work, kind hearted, grumpy, swearing far too often, making dark and obscure jokes, being cliquey with my best boys, eccentric, brave, loyal, not brushing my hair, a massive foodie, refusing to eat when hyper or scared, nervous, singing always, incredibly claustrophobic, my odd dress sense, my red lipstick, false eyelashes and beauty spot, buying coats, flirting, loving hummus too much, having too many in jokes with my best friends, loving my job as a pre school assistant and having an incredibly quick temper.

I secretly......

long to be respected and bright and clever in my own niches and people to not disregard my decisions, to be successful and capable and confident, to make enought to move out and live alone, to meet other people who like the things I like and be bright, talented and clever enough to hold my own with them, to be a writer, to be paid to write reviews for plays, to take promo photographs and theatre photographs, to have a relationship like The League of Gentlemen do with each other , to be part of a double act, to sing, act and ham it up on a professional basis, to do surreal comedy, to kiss Daniel Rigby, to meet someone gorgeous and flawless and perfect, to feel like I used 5 minutes before curtain, to feel like I did when I walked into the building for the poetry conference aged 16, to be able to go to the theatre and opera regularly, to meet someone I didn't have to change for.
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I've started talking to my best friend and former boyfriend again. I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't not while hes sorting through things but I can't not! I get to be me with him, I don't have to worry about talking in a short hand that only we know, or swearing too much or having to explain away who or what i am, having to justify my decisions, or being told i over gesticulate or that being picked apart 'is for my own good'

I have always been the kind of person, who has someone that they are inseparable from that they can pull off the double act with. I love that A lets me tit about, pulling silly faces, doing stupid voices and act like a tit and he gets into to it too!, I love and appreciate that R lets me mess about for a bit, that she lets me mess around and do joke, joke, joke and she jokes back, I love that we have a playful banter. A and me have in jokes, we finish each other sentences, we just fit, I love that tgether we can make other people laugh.

What I hate most about the end of A and me, is that I watch other people being cliquey and it tears me up, properly hurts me, more than kissing, more than sex, more than coming, I miss banter and being part of a double act. I read the scenes between Nicola and Barney in 'The Whisky Taster' the way their dialogue overlaps, and their characters The Bankers and The Builders, they way they have short hand, and in jokes and nicknames and routines and they easily take the piss outta each other, I watch Reeves and Mortimer, Fry and Laurie,The History Boys cast A, The League of Gentlemen, Morecambe and Wise and I'm so jealous of how much they are best friends and that they are part of something clearly very, very special.

More than anything, I long for a best friend or really to fix my relationship with the best friend of my life. I also long to be successful and talented and respected in my own right, so people would stop trying to shove me into other people's niches. I love my family, I do. But Im good at singing and writing and endlessly hamming it up, being a theatre nerd and a music lover and a singer and literature and poetry nerd. I hate other people trying to encourage me to be someone else, be more like M.
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Iam back, oh yes back in the national! I am back at the theatre, and once again it has supressed my need for anything else and surprassed everything else. The need for food, sleep, my once rampant libido, my need for love even. I think If could give everything else and try my best to get into acting, making people and singing and dancing, I would be so happy. I miss amdram, like a hole in the heart. It makes me giddy and excited, I ate one meal yesterday and i can't face anything today just because Im too wired, but not like bad wired but like when you first fall in love, or you first kiss, your first orgasm when you want to bounce and shout and dance rather than settle down sated, I want more! I dance everywhere and I sing everything, the kids at work are gonna love me today. My beautician this afternoon, i assume not so much! I don't know why I get like this, its mental. I go to the theatre and I can't sleep or eat or do much for a few days afterwards. When we'd go last year, I'd take A and he'd come cos he always get a shag afterwards because Im just so buzzy and hyped that it was a given. I never know if I fancy people in plays, because I want their talent and I want to get close so I can have it rub off on me or if I want to act/sing/ dance because I want fit actors or simply because I want to sustain the buzz forever, the feeling of 5 minute to curtains
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I'm 24

I work with two and half year olds to four year olds, I love it!

I'm good at singing, writing, hamming it up, pulling silly faces, doing accents and generally mucking around.

I have dyspraxia, my maths is beyond shocking!

I wanted to be a comedian as a child, I would do shows in my garden and dress up, I would also do impressions of Mckay from Porridge. Or to be a writer

I can't drive

I can only wink with my left eye

I swear too much but I'm not ashamed, here is my excuse! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_osQvkeNRM

I am a huge fan of comedy, Peter Cook, Dudley Moore, Fry and Laurie, The Goodies, Beyond The Fringe, Monty Python, Reeves and Mortimer, Morecambe and Wise, Porridge, Monty Python, The Thick Of It. I'm a huge fan of english comedy rather than American sitcoms.

I'm currently doing an Open Uni course for the Arts. I want to do English Lit after this.

I'm a huge foodie
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I've been okay for ages and then bam it hits me properly hits me! 8 years of routines, in jokes, made up language for us two, nicknames and a shared world gone! A turn of phrase, I can no longer use, no longer being called Mipanda or Monkey, or little one. Its all gone and I keep dreaming that he is home and back with me and I can't bear this! My shared world is gone, all the little things that we had are gone and theres nothing left. I'm still here most of the time. Im fine, I am back in the theatre, I look at other boys now and I really see them, like I notice whether they are pretty or not and yet it hirts more than ever. I dream of a career something i never wanted or needed, just wanted a job to pay the bills and now I have dreams and aspirations and I'm moving on but I want Andy back so badly it hurts. I dream that he has come back to me, I lost my best friend and my boyfriend and my partner in crime. I want to be called Monkey and him to call.
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Right that is it, its been like two months since I last snogged someone and I am like a bloody teenager boy, I very, very nearly kissed my best friend today. I have kissed and even shagged him maybe like 10 times, but we aren't like that anymore. I don't want a fling, I want something real, something that means something so why oh why am I drooling over this


The way Daniel Rigby throws his arms around and her and kisses her, his hand on her back, the other possively around her shoulders, her hand cupping his head. oh god. or The kiss in Green Wing with Mac and Caroline and when she says 'Whats a proper kiss' and then he swoops in and cradles her, her hands pulling at his jacket.

I need to snog someone, I keep thinking of amazing kisses, ones i've had, ones i want.

The perfect kiss, comprises of it raining, properly raining and the other person cupping their wet, cold hands around my face and kissing me, properly wet lips parting and pressing up against them. Their wet eyelashes full of droplets, and my hand running over the small of their back under a white soaked shirt, rubbing it into goosebumped flesh, lowering and pinching their bum. The smell of rain and peeling wet clothes from flesh and kissing every bit of goosebumped flesh as its unveiled. GOD! I need a snog!!!!!
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* To kiss the beautiful, truly gorgeous Daniel Rigby. His performance as Eric Morecambe in 'Eric and Ernie', his performance in 'One Man, Two Guvnors' at my beloved National outshining even James Corden and Boyce from Green wing, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMgU05tXjGw THIS, his adorable blogroll! http://danielrigby.wordpress.com/ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeQL1yhePpk&feature=relmfu

http://www.vivienofholloway.com/en/category/50s%20Halterneck%20Polkadot%20Dress/1950s-halterneck-polka-dot-dress/22/ cos its gorgeous!

I miss having a best friend, I have B,B,R, H and my family but its not the same!

To do something creative like AmDram or ushering or reviewing or singing lessons.

As a kid all I wanted was to be a comedian, and even now I want to make people laugh more than anything else. I can be so shy and quiet, but lord knows I adore an audience. I love the fact that work allows me to sing, dance, act and do magic tricks and generally just clown. Even now, when entering a relationship or a friendship, I have to have a straight man to play against my daft, loopy almsot even vaudevillain comedy. I can't have a relationship, platonic or romantic without banter, without there being some element of a double act. Its why my relationship with AM failed, he was the nicest boy I have ever dated but we had no banter, no chemistry, no endlessly piss taking, no back and forth. I hate not having it, when me and AC broke up I lost my boyfriend, the person I wanted to marry, my best friend, my partner in crime who I could spar with an bounce things of with.

I love the way double acts work, Eric and Ernie, The History Boys,Merry and Pippin, Ant and Dec, Howard and Julian, I feel bereft without someone to be there and quip back to me, I miss it so badly more than the love, the security, the kissing, the sex.

I miss kissing so badly though, I kissed AC for 8 years on and off and I never got bored, I love kissing. I loved kissing him. I barely kissed Am when we were together, to say hello, to say bye but not just because. I miss that, I want to have a knee trembling, hands cupped around faces, maybe in the rain kiss, with someone I really like, and I want to kiss them for hours just because they are beautiful and because I can.


A really cold pamplemousse, croque monsieur and garlicky, mayonaisey chips in france.

To swim in the sea

To meet someone lovely who wears wooly jumpers and is clever and patient and kind and older than me and wants to settle down. Who is strong and solid and dependable and beautiful in Colin Firth in a reindeer jumper kind of way or Daniel Rigby as Eric Morecambe, or Richard Armitage in Vicar of Dibley, who wants to eat toast and drink tea in bed and have children and kittens and go to national trust gardens on sundays, and wear kagoules and kiss in the rain! and to eat roast dinners and have afternoon naps and snuggles. To wake up with the same person everyday and to love and looka fter them. Dammit!

To act and sing and dance everyday
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You held my love and my our future in your hands and you threw it away like it meant nothing at all. A future and dreams destroyed and ripped away. 8 years

I feel like i might be learning a lesson, I don't miss dating, I don't mind being single, I don't miss sex. In the past, I'd fall into sleeping with one of my best friends, and we have spent the last two saturdays in bed together, this one we snuggled and he had his head on my shoulder, his hand emeshed into my hair, him holding me but i felt nothing at all. I don't miss him, the boy i wnated to be the love of my life. I should but I don't!

I don't want to fuck around, to date casually, I guess I never did. I want to fall in love, love that lasts for years and is brilliant, to love someone who wants what I want. Security and cosyness, tea and biscuits in bed, wooly jumpers and cuddles, someone to sleep entwined with and to cuddle and love and wake up next to everyday.

I have always been a huge romantic, and I am in no hurry.

I want a love of my life and I need to be a better person and so
I need to...

I need a full time job
To move out
To learn to drive
To be happy, confident and secure in myself again
To complete this course and sign up to a degree
Learn how to cook
Learn how to keep a house tidy and organised
Be better in bed
Be more healthy
Be kinder and more patient
Be prettier
Read more books, educate myself further
Be less selfish
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I don't want to go out and be one of those people who shags around and who wants to go out and get drunk. I don't hate being single, but I know that I will never be a casual relationship person or a casual sex person. I don't want to play games and play hard to get, I'm an utter romantic I believe in love, proper love. I don't miss the beginning, the butterflies, the hormone surging crushes, the feeling like your on a rollercoaster. I miss cooking dinner with someone and cuddles and sleeping next to the same person everynight, holding their hand and kissing them.

God I miss kissing, I don't even miss sex yet and its been a bout three weeks and I watch Green Wing and see Mac and Caroline's perfect kiss and I melt or I watch Life On Mars and see Sam and Annie finally kiss and I turn to goo. I miss kissing, I miss cuddles and someone who is always there, I miss LOVE! It hurts the life that was promised and ripped away from my hands, it hurts to be allowed to dream and think your gonna get it, to have it shattered and torn and ruined and just plain GONE! and by someone you loved so totally. I'm a huge romantic and I'm loyal to the bone with people I love, I loved the same boy for 8 years plus and now hes gone and he isnt coming and I don't know how to feel. He hurt me so badly, that I feel nothing at all. I didnt feel sad at all until yesterday and I smashed my head into a sharp cabinet cabinet corner and I found once i started crying i couldn't stop the whole day. I don't feel sad until I sleep and dream of him and wake to remember he doesn't want me anymore and he's never coming back and then I feel awful like a hole has been ripped into me. I don't just miss him, I miss US! I miss not having to wear make up if I didnt want to and not having to explain myself, I miss being called monkey and baby, and the cute little routines like when he's put his hand out and I'd pretend to be a chicken and peck at it, or watching Jonathan Creek in his arms, to cook together, to stumble over in jokes, to just be me. To not have to worry about being perfect or swearing too much or having to dilute myself and now, its all gone, the world we shared, everything we had GONE!

I was born to love and if I'm honest
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I don't want to go out and get drunk AND shag around.
I don't want the opportunities being single affords me, I don't want to be able to spend money on myself and to be selfish
I don't want to have a whole bed to myself
to go to bed without saying I love you to him
To kiss anyone else

I want to cook dinner together again, to watch Jonathan Creek in bed, to kiss someone I love, to sleep wrapped in someone I love, to spend whole days in bed, to cuddle and be relaxed. I don't want to have all the exciting bits again, when your up all night thinking of them, when you can't keep your hands off each other and its all tingly. I just want my boyfriend and my best friend back, to kiss the one person who makes me okay to be just be me back.

I've been angry, I've been ignoring him when he says he wants to be friends, I've started looking for a new job and thinking about moving out and all the brilliant things my future could hold and yet I don't want them. I just want him.
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